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Forever Changed

Can you see the change in me?
It may not be so obvious to you.
I participate in family activities.
I attend family reunions.
I help plan holiday meals.
You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore.
But I do cry!
When everyone has gone-when it is safe- the tears fall.
I cry in privacy so my family won't worry.
I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.
You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude.
But I am not strong.
I feel that I have lost control, and I panic when I
think about tomorrow...next week...next year.
I go about the routine of my job.
I complete my assigned tasks.
I drink coffee and smile.
You tell me you're glad to see I'm "over" the death of
my loved ones.
But I'm not "over" it.
If I get over it, I will be the same as before my loved
ones died.
I will never be the same.
At times I think I am begining to
heal, but the pain of loosing someone
I loved so much has left a permanent
scar on my heart.
I visit my neighbours.
You tell me you're glad to see I'm holding up so well.
But I'm not holding up well.
Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide
from the world. I spend time with my friends.
I appear calm and collected.
I smile when appropriate.
You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self."
But I will never be back to my "old self".
Death and grief have touched
my life, and I am forever changed.


Author Unknown

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